Sunday, May 08, 2016
Open Letter to Him

I feel very hurt and confused. I want to hate you, but a part of me can't. Because I do care about you. I don't want you feeling lonely and depressed. I want to make you happy, make you laugh and smile. I want us to have adventures and be best friends and tell each other everything. But now I wonder if it was even real at all. Maybe it was all one giant scheme to get into my pants. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why you're pulling away. I blocked you for a few hours. I wonder if you tried to contact me, but the sad truth is you probably didn't. I wish you would tell me what's wrong. Did you meet someone new? Are you scared? Embarrassed? Is it too much too soon? Just tell me. Whatever it is can't be all that bad. And whether or not you want to still be together or not, I just want you to be ok. Because I really, really want to believe that deep down you are truly a caring, loving, good man. I want the best for you.

I read some articles on the Internet and they said to be strong and not contact you. It's really hard for me. It feels like game playing and I don't want to do that. Last I checked, you're still my boyfriend and I don't wanna feel like I can't contact you. What's the point of being in a relationship then? But at the same time, I understand if you need your space. (But it would be so much easier if you could just tell me. After all, I'm not a mind reader...)

I broke down and told a friend about the situation. He said it seemed a bit odd and told me to try and make plans with you. I'm scared to be honest.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm crazy.

I just miss you. Where are you, stranger? What happened to the sweet, attentive man I was falling in love with? Who told me he loved me. Who tried to help me when he barely knew me and I was lost. Who made me feel special and safe.

Where are you?

Posted at 03:22 am by Nightbird
Comment (1)  

Monday, March 14, 2016
How to Ruin Your Life

Everything is literally so crazy right now. I have no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing in two weeks. I could be on the street, in a hotel, in a new apartment, still here...or even dead. What may be even more insane is how well I'm doing, given these circumstances. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared or worried, but I'm also kind of excited, hopeful...

The plan at the moment is to find a good, cheap apartment. This will likely take me to a smaller city/town, which I'm super ready for. I have a few places I'm calling today. Wish me luck *fingers crossed*.

If the apt thing doesn't work out for April 1st, then there's always a hotel. I don't want to push my luck with B. The fact that he'll watch my cat is way more than I could hope to ask for. I'm so grateful and indebted to him for that. Would it be nice if he let me crash at his place again? Sure, and if I was in a position to let him crash with me, I would, no questions asked, but...not everyone's me, I guess...

The homeless plan is to rent a storage place for my stuff (tv, ac, few boxes), join a gym for the showers and just shelter it, with a few hotel stays thrown in throughout a month.

Part of me wishes I could just throw everything out. The actual process of moving my things on a tight budget gives me agita, but damn it, I worked hard to pay off that damn 50 inch tv. To just give it away would be almost heart wrenching.

So today will be busy - calling up apartments and convincing them I'll be a great tenant despite my lack of employment at the moment, finishing my taxes so I can get my refund by the end of the month, dishes (ughhhhhhhh...), and oh goody, a pap smear at 3pm. Can't wait.

Posted at 07:12 am by Nightbird

Saturday, December 26, 2015
Crying Out

That God does not exist, I cannot deny, That my whole being cries out for God I cannot forget.

- Jean-Paul Sartre

Posted at 09:24 pm by Nightbird

Thursday, December 17, 2015

All your abandoned parts

The potential and the contenders

Their promises and defenders

One too many false starts

Posted at 06:05 am by Nightbird

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Posted at 04:32 pm by Nightbird

Tuesday, December 08, 2015

Since I have all the time in the world again, why not dive back into the muddy, OCD-triggering waters of astrology?

I may have used to screen potential partners based on their sun signs. ("Aries? Eww! Another Gemini, I think not!") And I may have frightened a friend or two over obsessively comparing different celebrity couples' (sun) signs.

It all became so maddening that I would eventually just block out birth dates altogether and invoke the all-powerful hear-no-evil, see-no-evil, speak-no-evil monkey emoji god.

Anyhoo, I've definitely exhausted myself with the sun signs. But there's more to astrology than that, of course. You have the rising/ascendant, the moon, the different houses, etc.

I actually used some software to create my complete chart and it was startingly accurate -- I'm not talking about some universal personality traits that could arguably be applied to the general public. I'm talking specific, downright traumatic events.

I'm not saying I completely buy into astrology 100%, but it does pique my interest and I want to study it a bit more before writing it off entirely.

MoonCat's Astrology has some great info on the difference between the sun, moon and rising signs:

The Sun Sign is what most people know without a doubt. It is also (usually) the most obvious part of the personality. The Sun is the conscious self. It is the behavior one is most comfortable with. It is the every day, fair-weather self. But there is much more to you than your Sun Sign.... when emotions run high....

That's when the Moon Sign comes out. We generally react in emotional situations according to the Moon Sign. This is the primal, subconscious self. You may even fantasize about behaving more like that sign, but it may not feel natural to you unless you're filled with happiness or sadness or anger. The Moon Sign also comes out when you feel very safe - either by yourself or with people you trust. But what about...

The Rising Sign - This is the most difficult element of the chart to explain, but may be even more important than the Sun Sign. In a nutshell, it is the Higher Self. You came into this life with one of the 12 signs of the zodiac on the horizon. This sign represents your horizon - your aspirations, what you look for in the world, and what you want to reflect. It is not surprising that much of your outward appearance, or the way you present yourself to others is determined by the Rising Sign, (and also by any planets that were rising when you were born - the Sun, Moon and planets rule the Zodiac - so a person with Venus rising is much like a Libra or Taurus rising, and Moon rising is just like Cancer rising, etc.) We want to attract and bring into our lives that which we aspire to. A Libra rising person looks for beauty, equality and comfort - and his/her natural beauty and charm are helpful in bringing it. An Aries rising individual looks for excitement and new challenges. Her/his look of bold determination and fearlessness is conducive to finding it! The Rising Sign changes continually throughout the day - so Birth Time and Place are essential pieces of information in determining the Rising Sign.

Why is the Rising Sign so important? Once you discover why you have the particular Rising Sign you do, you will be on the road to realizing and sharing one of your most powerful gifts. It represents an important aspect of what you were born to work on perfecting in this life (it could take several lifetimes.) So, why does Scorpio Rising look for power, secrets and extreme emotions? Why does Aquarius Rising look for equality and brotherhood? Why does Sagittarius Rising look at the world with a wise, philosophical viewpoint?

Sun sign: Cancer
Moon sign: Sagittarius
Rising sign: Taurus

Posted at 10:40 pm by Nightbird

Monday, December 07, 2015
Just Tell Me What to Do

I was feeling very restless and scattered earlier in the evening. I decided to hightail it and hit the streets for a walk. It was around the same time that up until a week ago I would leave for work. It's scary and amazing how things can flip -- for better or for worse -- in no time at all.

I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in a million different directions. But it's not people who are demanding so much of my energy and time, it's myself, my severely fragmented, disjointed whims, curiosities and angsts. It's depression, fear, loneliness and boredom.

There's so much I'm potentially interested in pursuing that I feel completely, utterly, terrifyingly paralyzed. I'll start one thing and not even halfway through get distracted by shiny new thoughts and/or ideas and drop it. Like Greek history, astrology, manifestation, living off the grid, building my own home, electrical engineering.

It's so frustrating and I don't know what to do about it. I really envy those who have one passion and can focus on it so completely.


Posted at 11:42 pm by Nightbird

Wednesday, December 02, 2015
The 4 Stages of Being Laid Off

Stage 1: Shock

Stage 2: Denial
Ha ha, this is funny actually. I'm fine, I'm totally FUCKING ok with it, really. And here's a huge dumb smile to prove it.

Stage 3: Anger
They took THEM and not ME? The guy who's late every day and just missed two days in a row?? And the guy who's slow as molasses and hits on everything with tits?? Ok...That's bullshit. Fuck them, fuck everyone.

Stage 4: Despair
I cannot cry here, I cannot cry here. Hold it for the bathroom. I'm so humiliated. I'm such a loser *cries*.

Posted at 03:40 pm by Nightbird

Thursday, November 19, 2015 Haul

Recently I've been agonizing over which night cream/anti-aging products to purchase. I don't have any wrinkles yet and I want to keep it that way, thank you very much.

Fact: Receiving praise for looking much, much younger than your age ("You're 28?! No way!) sets in motion a panic unlike any other to KEEP looking much younger.

Although my beta-type personality, short stature and baby-voice lend much to that younger-seeming age, I'm sure.

So, I've decided on some kind of retinol cream, which lead me to Jamieson Provitamina Retinol Renewal Night Cream. It's pretty inexpensive compared to other retinol creams out there and has good reviews on The ingredient list isn't too scary either.

I've been wanting to try Thayer's Alcohol-Free Toner for forever, so naturally I added that. (Gotta hit $29 for free shipping, y'all!) And I'm almost out of my lavender essential oil, so added some of that. Next was some Pacifica Face Wash that I've heard some good things about. Currently I'm using Cetaphil Gentle Cleanser but the ingredients, mainly a bunch of alcohols, give me pause, so I've been on the hunt for something else.

And last but not least, Pacifica Solid Perfume in Persian Rose. Mmm. Hopefully I will love.

Posted at 01:59 pm by Nightbird

Sunday, October 04, 2015
The Weather Man

"Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. 'Easy' doesn't enter into grown-up life."

Posted at 12:51 pm by Nightbird

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